“Wants, desires, and feelings of inadequacy”
I believe all of these feelings begin for each of us as a Child. We are influenced by the arts, media, and those directly around us. These influences are inherently both positive and negative. Without them we would lack the skills to fall into the social structure we have created for our society. With them, we unhealthily judge ourselves and those around us on what could be considered arbitrary factors. These influences have created a set of parameters for us to live by and unknowingly compare ourselves and others to.
Wants, desires, and feelings of inadequacy have had many implications on my life growing up. I had grand visions of being the “cool guy”. I wanted sports cars and the affection from everyone around me. Want might even be putting it lightly, I felt like I deserved it. High school was a a wake up call, or at least it should have been. I was the furthest thing from cool and I didn't understand why. I was athletic and played on several school teams. My parents were wealthy which actually does make people want to be your friend superficially. I was also a sort of class clown, garnering laughs from classmates regularly. While these factors theoretically should have been the perfect formula for popularity and social success, I still felt inadequate. I still felt lonely.
Then came college. I was finally free from my parents control and could fully be myself. I was on top of the world my first week away at school. In the coming weeks I would choose to rush a fraternity and received a bid to join. Within fraternity culture, wealth and social status alone can get you a bid. It is possible a large contributing factor to my acceptance was a selfish perception that my parents wealth could benefit the fraternity. I know this to be true for other individuals. Again I find myself in a position where being popular and socially successful should have seemingly been handed to me. I admit I had the admiration of certain people because of possessions I had but admiration is all you can call it. Over the next few years I began to really get to know these guys. There were roughly 100 members and any one of us could tell you something personal about each other. We thought we knew each others lives very well. What I later realized is that we did not know each other at all. We knew facts about one another. Nothing more than a few tid-bits of information that could be written down in a sentence or two. Hometowns, families, and high schools were all facts we knew about each other. The problem is, these facts are hardly unique to an individual and actually say very little about them. We were a big group of superficial friends who all had self serving interests. Some guys came for the parties, some came for networking, some came for the women who undoubtedly would spend time around the fraternity house. Regardless of what the enticing factor was, meaningful friendships were few and far between. The loneliness and feelings of inadequacy associated with superficial friendships are far more disruptive than those of actually being alone.
Then came graduation. I felt like it was finally my time to shine. I was about to step into a managerial position at my fathers business. I had a job with a solid salary and a bright career path ahead of me. However, I still wanted those same things. I wanted sports cars and the affection of everyone. At this point I could afford to fulfill those desires. I went out and bought a brand new Maserati. It turned heads and made me much more popular with women. Yet again, here I am. I have cooler possessions for people to admire and they did but I was still lonely. I would get stood up on dates regularly and felt especially hurt that the reason was nearly always a fabricated story. I had the life style I knew women my age were attracted to but it didn't seem to matter. This transitioned my thinking to “it must be me”. I spent the next year working out 5 days a week. I was insecure about my slender body and low muscle mass. I can remember several women throughout my life making comments alluding to the idea that I was “too skinny” to date. It didn't help that my step mother also shamed me for my small size growing up. I thought that if I could fix this one thing about myself I could get the affection I desired.
Well one year passed and I had accumulated an extra 20 pounds. It was healthy weight and I was in the best shape of my life. I now had an Italian sports car and six pack abs. I started to receive messages from strangers online who would flirt with me. This felt great. I began to think I was finally successful. I had finally achieved the dream of sports cars and never ending affection. After a short time, the effect wore off. I realized these people did not like me but rather perceived me as beneficial to them. Maybe they believed we could do business together, maybe I was an easy way to make their boyfriend jealous, maybe it was something else. regardless, it was apparent that it was not me personally that drew them in.
This has led me to many thoughts and revelations for myself. I have been so focused on building up this character for people. This character influenced by the social structure that society compares all to. By society's standards I am successful. The problem is, I have been using success and happiness synonymously. I have been racing towards my vision of success with the expectation that I will find internal happiness. That is what I will refer to as the pit of sorrow. It is the distance between where we expect to find happiness and where it actually lies.
It has become clear to me that my personal happiness is derived from meaningful relationships. Something I have not had much experience with in my life. The wants, desires, and feelings of inadequacy ultimately are all derived from this central point of conflict. It will require hard work and dedication to make a change. The world doesn't change unless you do. We must begin to give without expectation. Be a friend to someone when they are not yet yours. Even when they take your kindness and support for granted, you must continue to give without expectation. You will quickly learn which people appreciate you and who wants to be a part of your life. 11/19/18