personalthoughts

Although my heart still hurts, today I am content.

My thoughts are sporadic, hardly diplomatic, turning against myself like it's automatic. Why am I so against me? why can't I let me be me? An answer my life has longed to see.

“Support” I cannot thank them enough for all they have done, standing with me as I run. promoting me and pushing me to strive ever farther, What you didn't realize is I am speaking of something larger. The only ones to help me stand when I can no longer run they keep me upright and ready for whats to come. It's not a friend or a mentor or anything of the like, Its the kind who help me peddle my bike. What could it be? what? you didn't know is the only one who supports me is me. It's my legs and my own two damn feet.

“human” A boat can only sink if the water seeps within or so they say... without the water, would the boat exist to begin? Are we so busy trying to stay afloat that we forget we are meant to be submerged within? A plant cannot flourish on sunlight alone and too much water will drown him. take a sip, test the water, just be sure you don't slip.

“Apex” A shark, Roaming all alone, Scattering shoals of fish, but not the remoras, who stay for what they can get.

“External Beauty” As if nature taught me nothing I continue to chase women believing it to be something. like A dart frog or a coral snake. Better view from afar to avoid the ache. burned by fire but touched it twice again and again I refuse to heed my own advice. It's beginning to feel like the upside isn't worth the pain. still holding onto the frog as its' poison seeps into my veins. Beauty is deceiving. The more vibrant, the more bleeding.

“Clockwork” It's that time again. I let positive expectations overwhelm my mind. It's the first time we meet, things are planned in my head for the next ten thousand feet. Beautiful. Stunning. a smile that could melt you. I thought I knew what I saw but it fell through. A spectacular evening that must have deceived me. I just want to find someone who likes me for me. It is mental confusion. do I be who they want me to be and create that illusion? This is the routine. Be a good guy, support their dreams. but later I'll be ignored as I hear the screams. Not from them, but within me. The kind that wonder why not me?

“No You Don’t” I am here for you. Seek Help. See a professional.
It’s like a redundant record on a loop. Everyone disingenuously offers to listen but rarely follows through. People say they want to see you happy but are absent when it comes to do. It has become socially cool to care publicly which is worse than not caring at all. The attention drawn by big scary “depression” is only used to make an impression. An impression that you care, and you’re a good person. As an adult is this who you saw yourself becoming in your adolescent version? People stand by their word and sleep on their action. I keep trying to tell you but you have no reaction. I want you to listen but you won’t. I tell you I think about suicide and you say, no you don’t.