Rubble
An uphill battle, but effort does not lack, clawing and fighting to prevent the rollback, With each push the strain becomes greater, the weight seemingly increasing, the inevitable just being later. With disappointment and despair, my strength begins to buckle, rolled over, crushed, I've returned to rubble. It is in the pieces we find the whole, perhaps next time will be my hour to roll.
“Wants, desires, and feelings of inadequacy”
I believe all of these feelings begin for each of us as a Child. We are influenced by the arts, media, and those directly around us. These influences are inherently both positive and negative. Without them we would lack the skills to fall into the social structure we have created for our society. With them, we unhealthily judge ourselves and those around us on what could be considered arbitrary factors. These influences have created a set of parameters for us to live by and unknowingly compare ourselves and others to.
Wants, desires, and feelings of inadequacy have had many implications on my life growing up. I had grand visions of being the “cool guy”. I wanted sports cars and the affection from everyone around me. Want might even be putting it lightly, I felt like I deserved it. High school was a a wake up call, or at least it should have been. I was the furthest thing from cool and I didn't understand why. I was athletic and played on several school teams. My parents were wealthy which actually does make people want to be your friend superficially. I was also a sort of class clown, garnering laughs from classmates regularly. While these factors theoretically should have been the perfect formula for popularity and social success, I still felt inadequate. I still felt lonely.
Then came college. I was finally free from my parents control and could fully be myself. I was on top of the world my first week away at school. In the coming weeks I would choose to rush a fraternity and received a bid to join. Within fraternity culture, wealth and social status alone can get you a bid. It is possible a large contributing factor to my acceptance was a selfish perception that my parents wealth could benefit the fraternity. I know this to be true for other individuals. Again I find myself in a position where being popular and socially successful should have seemingly been handed to me. I admit I had the admiration of certain people because of possessions I had but admiration is all you can call it. Over the next few years I began to really get to know these guys. There were roughly 100 members and any one of us could tell you something personal about each other. We thought we knew each others lives very well. What I later realized is that we did not know each other at all. We knew facts about one another. Nothing more than a few tid-bits of information that could be written down in a sentence or two. Hometowns, families, and high schools were all facts we knew about each other. The problem is, these facts are hardly unique to an individual and actually say very little about them. We were a big group of superficial friends who all had self serving interests. Some guys came for the parties, some came for networking, some came for the women who undoubtedly would spend time around the fraternity house. Regardless of what the enticing factor was, meaningful friendships were few and far between. The loneliness and feelings of inadequacy associated with superficial friendships are far more disruptive than those of actually being alone.
Then came graduation. I felt like it was finally my time to shine. I was about to step into a managerial position at my fathers business. I had a job with a solid salary and a bright career path ahead of me. However, I still wanted those same things. I wanted sports cars and the affection of everyone. At this point I could afford to fulfill those desires. I went out and bought a brand new Maserati. It turned heads and made me much more popular with women. Yet again, here I am. I have cooler possessions for people to admire and they did but I was still lonely. I would get stood up on dates regularly and felt especially hurt that the reason was nearly always a fabricated story. I had the life style I knew women my age were attracted to but it didn't seem to matter. This transitioned my thinking to “it must be me”. I spent the next year working out 5 days a week. I was insecure about my slender body and low muscle mass. I can remember several women throughout my life making comments alluding to the idea that I was “too skinny” to date. It didn't help that my step mother also shamed me for my small size growing up. I thought that if I could fix this one thing about myself I could get the affection I desired.
Well one year passed and I had accumulated an extra 20 pounds. It was healthy weight and I was in the best shape of my life. I now had an Italian sports car and six pack abs. I started to receive messages from strangers online who would flirt with me. This felt great. I began to think I was finally successful. I had finally achieved the dream of sports cars and never ending affection. After a short time, the effect wore off. I realized these people did not like me but rather perceived me as beneficial to them. Maybe they believed we could do business together, maybe I was an easy way to make their boyfriend jealous, maybe it was something else. regardless, it was apparent that it was not me personally that drew them in.
This has led me to many thoughts and revelations for myself. I have been so focused on building up this character for people. This character influenced by the social structure that society compares all to. By society's standards I am successful. The problem is, I have been using success and happiness synonymously. I have been racing towards my vision of success with the expectation that I will find internal happiness. That is what I will refer to as the pit of sorrow. It is the distance between where we expect to find happiness and where it actually lies.
It has become clear to me that my personal happiness is derived from meaningful relationships. Something I have not had much experience with in my life. The wants, desires, and feelings of inadequacy ultimately are all derived from this central point of conflict. It will require hard work and dedication to make a change. The world doesn't change unless you do. We must begin to give without expectation. Be a friend to someone when they are not yet yours. Even when they take your kindness and support for granted, you must continue to give without expectation. You will quickly learn which people appreciate you and who wants to be a part of your life. 11/19/18
“All I can say is I'm sorry”
communicated firmly, without a shred of doubt. Your actions were hurting, your cares were without.
I argued vehemently, for what is knew was right, in the end there were no qualms felt, I had no traction in this fight.
In the end all was clear. not a degree of uncertainty, my feelings were second class, it would never be her and me
I wanted some answers, a telescope to clarity, the response was, All I can say is I'm sorry.
I'm Mad I'm mad at the double standards, I'm mad at lack of respect, I'm mad this could have worked, If it wasn't for the neglect.
I'm mad that I communicated, yet my words were unreceived, I'm mad I'm all alone, when it should have been you and me
What message would I leave? Would I offer apologies to those I left? Would I explain how I was isolated and alone? Would I express my true feelings instead of polite courtesies? Would I say anything at all?
I am alone and it hurts
Cyclical The circle is the same round and round it goes, perfectly ignorant to change. Infatuation and admiration turns to comfortable closeness, then the nitpicking and admonishment evolve into moroseness, A vison, a dream, whatever it may be, It was always a hypothetical fantasy, not me.
“Broken trust”
Stormy thoughts and a clouded mind, safer shores we all long to find, peaceful beaches and beautiful sunsets, Would we truly appreciate without the mental unrest? violent turmoil to gentle rocking, a rogue wave to come shocking, unprepared and unexpected, it sweeps your feet leaving you dejected, Alone again but this time not sulking, The road again, I must begin walking
Selfish Suicide is selfish is what i've always been told. It is disrespectful to loved ones who care. If loved ones cared, would they not hate to see you suffering? Would they not try to guide you on the right path? So no, Suicide is not selfish, family is. They do not offer help or maybe feel they can't but also do not want to see you go. “I'm not going to help you but I would be sad if you left” . What kind of message is that? Everyone knows that I think it but no one asks. Apparently when people ask “how are you?” they don't actually want to know. Could you imagine if I answered with “well I feel a bit like ending it but other than that, Great!” Their jaw dropping may create a crater large enough to bury me in. I giggled about that, I guess there is some humor in this.
People don't engage with me, Hear my words but have nothing to say to me. I disengage and leave people ask about where you be, Faux concern they think I can't discern, by myself is where i'd rather be. But have no worries, It's by myself I have learned this fury, its the gasoline that keeps me going.
7/12/19
Stood up
Text and chat and talk and giggle, Get to know another, it's not so trivial. Time and effort and good intentions hidden agendas, I forgot to mention.
You are recovering and I am desperate. a combination left me feeling all the more desolate. one closed and one left hollow, our hearts desire we still do follow. vacant like the chair is next to me, The position open , eternally empty.